pouring out my feelings all over here and my fucking mum turns off my internet so i dont visit pro-ana sites, fucking write it all again. FUCK HER, fuck the world and every cunt in it. fuck the girls who clain to be my friends, who care, but havent noticed my cry for help, too fucking late. i wish i was not fat, or ugly or dumb. or a failure and drop out at college, i wish i was understood and loved, i wish one single bastard would care if i died, i wish i was dead. i wish i was dead. i wish i was fucking dead. my mum doesnt understand why i cry, my boyfriend doesnt understand why i get so moody at him. cause im fucking tired. cause i dont sleep. cause i think all night about how i dont want to live anymore. fuck still being alive. why havent i killed myself? cause im fucking terrified i might not work and ill have to live the rest of my life like this. or that it might half work then ill have to live the rest of my life being questioned by every other fucker. getting called an attention seeker? fucking hilarious. i passed being an attention seeker cause still no one seems to care. so fuck it. now im just a fucked up fat ugly dumb girl. who still wishes she was dead. yay for fucking life.

finally back on tumblr. mum blocked it on my laptop after my ex told her about me being so pro-ana, like fuck off, its none of your business right? down to 119 pounds, still not enough but im getting there, put on a little weight cause mum made me start eating in the dining room with the family, but that came straight off as soon as she trust me to go back and eat alone, the bathroom is only across the hall. 

Lost nearly two stone in about 2 months! Fuck yes. I will not eat till I’m thin! No more fat me!

Mums op results are in and her final operation was all clear, my amazing mummy beat cancer, so proud of her. Gives me a reason to clear up this christmas, even shared a piece of lemon drizzle cake with her. She makes me so happy. Love you mummy!